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I’ve divided the patterns of behavior into eight archetypes because I want you to be able to get the specific advice that you need for your unique situation.
The Biased Coworker
Another archetype is the biased coworker, and this is someone who inadvertently, or maybe very intentionally, commits microaggressions toward you or others at work. Because of your identity, they make comments that either demean you, challenge your authority or just simply make you feel excluded. First and foremost, you have to understand that if you are the target of this behavior, it’s not on you to fix it. If you are in a position of power, it is much more imperative that you speak up to establish psychological safety and what you expect from everyone in terms of how they treat one another.
When it comes to biased behavior, it’s important to understand the difference between intent versus impact. When you address a colleague’s microaggression or their biased comment, it’s very possible that they will say, “That’s not what I intended,” and that may be true, but it’s still helpful to explain the impact of their comment. So oftentimes when I am talking to a colleague about something they said that offended me or my other colleagues, I will start by saying, “I imagine this wasn’t your intention. This is what I heard.” Or, “I’m sure you wouldn’t want to offend people. However, what you said came off as sexist or as racist.” So rather than pointing the finger and saying you are sexist, you are racist, which would shame someone and not encourage them to change, as we know from research, you’re giving them grace in that moment to reflect on what they said, recognize their impact, and make a choice about how to behave differently going forward.
The Pessimist
If you’ve worked with one of these people who is always saying the sky is falling, who thinks nothing is ever going to work, that they’re convinced bad things are going to happen, you know how frustrating it can be. One important thing about dealing with a pessimist is that you don’t want to get into a polarized situation where they’re negative, you’re positive, they’re pessimistic, you’re optimistic. Keep in mind that most pessimists see optimists as morons. So if you insist that everything’s going to be okay, they’re just going to be more convinced that you’re wrong.
Instead, try to incorporate the risks that they’re identifying and talk about how you would mitigate them in the process of carrying out the project. That both validates their perspective so you don’t polarize yourselves, but that also gives them a sense of agency over the outcome. That can help alleviate the tension, as well as get you focused on a path forward so that you’re not held back by their negativity.
The Victim
So there is a flavor of the pessimist which is this other archetype called the victim. This is someone who also thinks bad things are going to happen, but they typically think bad things are going to happen to them. Now, one distinction here that’s really important. When you’re dealing with someone who you think has this victim mentality, ask yourself whether they are indeed a victim. Sometimes people develop this mentality because they have been subjected to bias or persecution in the workplace. But if this is a behavior that’s more of a knee-jerk reaction rather than based on their past experience, you really want to help them find some agency. Victims tend to blame others for things that go wrong. They tend to not take responsibility.
So you want to really encourage them to take ownership of an outcome. So if they tell you that they have yet again been persecuted in the workplace or been pointed out as doing something wrong, ask them, “If you were in a position of power, what would you do differently?” Give them a moment to occupy that place of responsibility and ownership so they can see beyond that feeling that everything is going wrong to them.
The Passive-Aggressive Peer
One of my least favorite of the archetypes is the passive-aggressive peer. This is someone who will say one thing and then do another or they’ll commit to do something in a meeting and never follow up, or they will act as if they’re angry or frustrated with you. But when you ask what’s wrong, they say, “I’m fine.” And it’s frustrating because it can feel like shadowboxing. You can’t land a comment or an action with them because they’re constantly evading it. And I’ll be honest, this is one of the ones that is most challenging to deal with, but there are a few tactics that can work. Number one, recognize that they’re probably not being passive-aggressive on purpose. Chances are they’re afraid of something, they’re afraid of failure or rejection. They’re conflict averse or they feel powerless. And so the only way that they can get their thoughts and feelings out is in an indirect way.
So ideally, you want to make it comfortable or safe for them to speak what’s on their mind. Maybe even telling them, “I want to know what you think and feel, even if you think it’s not what I want to hear.” Try to focus on their underlying message. I’m sure it might be wrapped in a snarky comment, but what is it that they’re actually trying to convey? Once you have a sense of what that is, you can do something that’s called hypothesis-testing. Float that idea and say, “I get the sense that you’re not happy with the customer survey.” And instead of saying, “Am I right?” Because they might avoid that altogether, you can say, “What do you think we should do differently?” It’s important that no matter what they say, you don’t react negatively, but that you allow that room for them to articulate their thoughts and feelings in a more direct way.