These glasses eliminate motion sickness, are guaranteed to get you a whole row to yourself

Want to get rid of motion sickness once and for all AND get an open seat next to you on public transportation? These trés chic and muy caliente glasses will do the trick. They’ve been engineered to stop motion sickness once and for all in 10 minutes, and it works for 95% of types of motion sickness. They’re called the Seetroën glasses, and they’ve been developed by French car company Citroën. They make you look like Harry Potter in space or perhaps “Spider Elton John”, and it will cost you a cool €99 or US$139 for that privilege. 

Motion sickness comes from the dissonance between the motion your inner ear senses and what your eyes are seeing, and the glasses simply provide a physical and visible reminder of where your brain is at. When you’re buried in a book or an app on your phone, the inner ear is basically completely unable to figure out where this motion is coming from since it’s taking its perception and checking it with your eyes, which are telling it that it’s stationary. You don’t get motion sickness when you’re driving as your eyes are on the road; you’re aware of every twist and turn and bump as it happens, not after the fact. 

Still need a sherpa through the logistics of motion sickness? Your ears are basically Felix from The Odd Couple, saying “Oh, gosh! Oh, golly! I know we’re moving! Something is happening out of our control! Sound the alarms!” while your eyes, Oscar from The Odd Couple, are all like, “Dude, quit worrying, I’m on my phone”. Then your stomach, a simple-minded giant, gets overwhelmed like Lenny from Of Mice and Men and starts smashing things up and making you feel nauseous. None of this paragraph is scientific, but there’s one person out there who’s like “Thanks, Ned! Way to put your unfinished theater degree to use and reference two Broadway plays.” You’re welcome, whoever you are out there! 

(Puts on a cardigan and walks out of the blog post.)