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Do’s
The way that you know that somebody in your life is traumatized is if that person has clearly very irrational responses to stuff that doesn’t bother you or that is just a minor irritant, but no big deal. And so you see these exaggerated responses, which oftentimes are laid on your feet, like when you slammed the door, or when you snored, or when you drove the car in a particular way, you made me feel this way.
The most important thing is to see that the person you’re dealing with is doing the best they can. And then to think about “what can I do to help this person feel safer and more listened to,” to really be curious to help that person to find words for their emotional reactions, and to say, “when you slam on the brake, I get this feeling like I’m going to die.” And I go, “Oh, well, I’ll really try very carefully.” Say, “What’s it like for you? What it felt like when I said that that’s so upsetting for you? What can we do to give you a sense of pleasure?” And to really help that person to discover the conditions under which they don’t feel traumatized.
When do you feel safe? Do you feel safe when I hold you or do you feel safe when I don’t touch you? Do you feel safe when we go walking together or do you feel safer when we sit together? Do you feel safer if people leave you alone or do you feel safer when people actually engage you into some communal activities? And give people choices to help them discover what makes them feel better. But it has to do with people really not rejecting you because your behavior is troublesome, but really saying, “what’s that like for you,” “what comes up and what can I do to make you feel better?” That’s very difficult, of course.
When you’re married to a traumatized person, you don’t want to be a full-time nurse or therapist to that person. So it’s quite a big burden to be married to a traumatized person because you are oftentimes walking on tip-toe because that person may get triggered by all kinds of different things. But it needs to be part of the discussion of “how can we work this out together.” And to really also become very aware of the limits of what you can do, and to say, “I can help you with this, but I cannot help you with that.”
Don’ts
What should you not do? Our first goal is to help you to feel safe. And so the first thing I’m going to do is to not have you tell me the explicit details of your rape because you couldn’t deal with the rape in the first place ,and by my asking you to relive it with me, I just retraumatize you. So my job is not to open up the wounds, but to help you to live in a body and a mind that’s slowly being able to tolerate intense emotions. So the first thing I want to do with you is to help you to feel safe enough to talk about your life, to talk about your kids.
I think we cannot fix each other. And so what I see a lot in beginning mental health professionals is they give people advice, and they tell people what to do. To my mind, it’s largely a waste of time and money to do that. People need to discover what works for them. And our job as companions and lovers and friends is to help people to be curious about themselves, to discover what makes them feel good and what makes them feel bad, and to discover and explore what helps them to recover themselves.
As long as we feel like everybody else around us feels like we’re defective and bad people, it becomes very hard to explore ourselves. And so what we need is somebody who takes us very seriously. If you feel like “people really care for me, but I need to discover how I can deal with my nightmares, how I can deal with my explosive rages, what works for me, and that person can help reflect with me.” And you can say, “So honey, but how do you think that works for me? I’ve been going to this doctor. Do you think I’m an easier person to live with?” We all need people who know us and to keep us company in our explorations, but it’s still your exploration and I cannot do it for you.