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The second challenge and set of triggers is the challenge of we and our reactions to who is giving us the feedback. And in the conversation itself one of the most common patterns is that someone comes to us, they give us feedback, and our reaction to that feedback is a reaction to who is giving it to us. And so I inadvertently change the topic by reacting with my feedback for them or my problems with, “You told me this now?” So they say, “Your sales figures are really down this quarter.” And I say, “You’re telling me this on the day before I go on vacation?”
Now, there’s nothing wrong with having complaints about the timing of when they told you, but it is a second topic. It has nothing to do with whether my sales figures are actually up or down or why that is and what I need change, it’s how you’re giving me the feedback. And so we’ll have, in response to the feedback that we receive, we will actually react with complaints about the person – how they told us, when they told us, where they told us, completely inappropriate, why they told us, I’m not sure I trust their motives. And also whether or not they have any credibility, or how we feel treated in the relationship. If I feel underappreciated or like you’re trying to boss me around, I’ll react to that. Meanwhile, by the way, the original feedback has gotten lost because for me the topic now is your audacity at giving me this feedback or “suggestion” that I don’t really want.
So we call this a switch-track conversation because the original giver comes and is trying to tell us something and our reaction to who they are or how we feel treated changes the topic. And often it changes the topic in a way that we don’t even realize. I’m now on my topic and they’re on their topic and it’s kind of like throwing the ingredients for apple pie and lasagna in one pan and tossing it in the oven. No matter how long you bake it, it’s going to come out a mess because you’re talking about two different things and talking past each other.
So the advice is just to realize that you’ve switched track, to name the two topics and to say, “Okay, I do want to talk about your original feedback, and by the way when we’re done with that I also want to talk about when you decided to tell me, like, at my Uncle’s funeral really?” So that’s a second topic about the relationship that we also need to talk about, but pull them apart so you can have each one clearly.