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A second challenge to see is to see what the giver actually means because feedback often arrives in these very vague labels. “You need to be more of a team player.” “You need to step up your game.” “You should really be more assertive or speak up more.” Or, you know, “I wish you were more responsive or responsible.” Now because the feedback is upsetting, we quickly try to figure out is this feedback right or is it wrong? And we’re really good at wrong-spotting. Because if I can figure out some way in which it’s wrong, well then I can set it aside, relax and move on with my day. If it’s right I have to continue to worry about it or defend myself against it. And so we’re primed to look for anything that’s wrong with the feedback. It was delivered at the wrong time in a totally inappropriate way. It was completely unskilled, can you believe it? And so we look for anything we can pick apart.
And there are two problems with this. One is, if we find five percent that’s wrong, we throw the whole thing out, when in fact 90 percent of it could be wrong, but that last ten percent you could actually be just what you need to learn and grow or just what you need to keep thinking about. The second is that we decide based on the label. So, something comes across the transom – “you need to be more assertive” and we instantly assume what that means. But assertive – it’s like the label on the outside of a can, it doesn’t tell you much about what’s actually inside, it doesn’t have any nutritional value. So you may think, okay, so I need to be more assertive. That means I need to act like I know what I’m talking about even if I don’t. When maybe the giver meant actually, be more assertive and confident. If you don’t know, just say you don’t know.
So we were talking to a radio host and he had gotten feedback, coaching, from his producer that he needed to the more “edgy” on the air. And he went away kind of upset about it and he thought well, I don’t even know what that means. I guess I should like look up what swear words I’m allowed to use or pick fights with people or talk about sex or I don’t know what. And after a couple of days he thought, you know, I just don’t think that’s me so he went back to tell his producer, “I don’t think I’m going to take your suggestions.” And then at the last minute he thought, you know, I’m not sure what that suggestion was so he said: “What did you mean by edgy?” And the producer said, “Well, obviously I meant you should be more emotionally vulnerable on the air, more open,” which was completely not what he assumed edgy meant.
And you would think that that’s unusual but actually most feedback arrives as vague, conclusory labels. You know, “You’re a four this year” or “You meet expectations.” And so before you decide if it’s right or wrong, you should first ask, “Let me just understand two things about this.” The feedback that you get actually has a past and a future. So you need to understand its past. So where does this come from? Was there something you observed me doing, or that you expected me to do that I didn’t do, or that you see the people doing that lead you to give me the suggestion? Where’s it coming from? And then you can also ask: Where’s it going to? If I were to follow the advice, what would that look like? What would I do? Help me understand that. You’ll have such a richer sense of what it is that they’re suggesting and then you can decide whether it’s right or wrong.
The last thing that we suggest that you do on this front is actually ask yourself a second question. You can make your big, long, juicy list of all the things that are wrong with the feedback because that’s very satisfying, but then you should make a second-column list of: Is there anything that’s right about it? Is there anything that’s right? It might be two percent but maybe it’s something I should keep thinking about.