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Step one is actually understanding your own reactions when you get feedback. And although you would think there would be a million ways that people react to feedback, in fact they can all be grouped into essentially three. Three triggers that cause us to react to feedback badly.
1. Truth triggers
The first is truth triggers, or what we also call “the challenge to see,” to see what the feedback means and to see yourself. One of the first questions we ask is, “Well is this advice good or bad? Is this true or not true? Should I pay attention to it or can I easily find what’s wrong with it and set it aside?”
2. Relationship triggers
The second trigger is what we call relationship triggers or “the challenge of we” because all feedback comes in the context of the relationship between giver and receiver. And while you would think that the advice is either good or bad, who’s giving it and our reactions to who’s giving it quickly overtake and taint our reaction to what it is that they’re saying. I will either pre-dismiss your feedback because of the troubled relationship, or I sometimes have givers whose feedback comes pre-approved whether it’s actually good advice or not.
3. Identity triggers
The third trigger is what we call identity triggers or just “the challenge of being me.” And what we found is that people are wired very differently. And in terms of their sensitivity to feedback, individuals can vary by up to 3000 percent, which is why two people on your team when you get feedback from the customer may react very differently. I think it’s not that big of deal, you are absolutely distraught, which leads me, of course, to give you feedback that you need to not take it so personally, which then exacerbates the problem. So understanding your own feedback footprint and the ways in which my feedback profile may be different from yours can also help us understand why, between giver and receiver, we’re reacting so differently.