This content is locked. Please login or become a member.
I don’t know a person on the planet who has never felt disrespected, who’s never been excluded for something, who’s never felt like somebody was being unfair in the assumptions they were making about them. So what do you do when you’re on the receiving end of disrespect, when you feel like someone does not have regard for your humanity?
Weigh the risks
When you’re the person harmed, you get to choose your battles. But there’s a world of difference between picking your battles and defaulting to silence. I know more times than I can count, I have succumbed to the temptation to default to silence in these moments because I’m so acutely aware of the risk of speaking up, the risk of complaining, the risk of being labeled a this or that if I challenge this, these disrespectful attitudes or behaviors. It’s okay to choose silence. It doesn’t mean you’re lacking in courage if you choose silence. Sometimes, silence is the right response, but sometimes it’s very risky. The important thing I found in those moments is to pause and to be aware of the risks of remaining silent. The risks of speaking up are obvious, but the risk of remaining silent, the risk of defaulting to silence, I found, is that I lose my sense of agency. And that is not something anyone can afford to lose. So if you feel like you’re on the receiving end of bias, prejudice, or bullying of some form of disrespect, I recommend that you calculate the return on investment of speaking up. Because as Audre Lorde said, “Your silence will not protect you.”
Make a statement
What can you say when you don’t know what to say? When you’re in that moment where somebody said or did something that made you cringe, and you’re like, “Ugh, what do I say now?” If you think it’s bias, I recommend an “I” response. An “I” response sort of holds up a mirror and lets the other person know what they did wrong without judging them: “I don’t think you meant that the way it sounded.”
If you think it’s prejudice, though, you want an “it” statement. An “it” statement draws a line between one person’s freedom to believe whatever they want, but not to impose that belief on others. An “it” statement can appeal to a law, it can appeal to an HR policy or a company policy, or it can appeal to common sense. If, however, you think it’s bullying, you want a “you” response. The point of the “you” response is that you are not going to be in a submissive role. If somebody’s trying to bully you, the last thing you want to do is take on whatever they just dumped on you. Instead, you want to be in an active stance with a “you” response. “You can’t talk to me like that.” Or if that kind of strong “you” response feels like it might escalate the situation, you can try a “you” question. “Why are you treating me this way?”
I had an opportunity to use in “it” statement shortly after I returned to work from maternity leave. I was chit-chatting with a guy before a meeting, and he said to me, “Oh, my wife doesn’t work because it’s better for the children.” And, of course, this was like a punch in the gut for me at that moment in time. But I didn’t really think he meant it the way it sounded. I figured this was sort of unconscious bias. So I tried an “I” response, and I said, “Oh, I decided to show up at work today because I thought it’d be a good idea to neglect my children.” And I was expecting him to laugh and apologize, and we would move on. But no. That is not what happened. He doubled down and he said, “Oh no, Kim. It is really bad for your kids that you are working. You should stay home.”
Now I know that what I’m dealing with is not unconscious bias. It’s a prejudice, very consciously held prejudice. And so I tried an “it” statement, and I said to him, “It is my decision, together with my partner, how we raise our children. And I respect your decision, and I expect you to respect my decision. Furthermore, it’s a good thing that you and I are not raising children together. We’re selling double-click ad servers. We can do that without having to agree on this topic.” And I’m not saying that solved all the world’s problems, but it was really important that I respond in some way, that I choose a response in this moment.