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If you’re in a troubled relationship there is nothing more powerful than a well-timed and honest apology. This is a message of regret. I’ve done something wrong. I feel remorse for doing something wrong, and I am sacrificing a bit of my own pride to let you know that I’ve done something wrong, and I’m sacrificing that pride for sake of this relationship.
Boy, apologies are hard to do. You know, I think whether it’s my own relationship with my spouse or my kids or in the international work that I’m consulting with leadership on, it’s the hardest thing to do in the world, and yet there is almost nothing more powerful than an apology. It can just shift the whole tone of the relationship. Think right now about somebody in your own life who you might give an apology to, think how you might actually do it. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
One, express honest remorse. A real apology is not a fake one. That person with whom you’re interacting, they’re going to know if you’re telling the truth, if it’s authentic, if it’s not. Watching my own little kids, at first if they’ve done something wrong, they’ll say, “Hey, apologize to Zachary or Noah or Liam”, “I’m sorry”, that’s not authentic. They need to find it in their heart to have that authentic apology.
Acknowledge the impact of your behavior. “I know I hurt you through some of the words that I said earlier today. I was angry. I think I lost some control of my own emotions. I acknowledge that fact. So I’m acknowledging the impact of the behavior, of my behavior on you.”
Third, “I communicate that I accept responsibility. Look, I did this. You know, this was my doing not yours, and I am sorry for doing that.”
Make a commitment not to repeat the offense. “Next time we fight, I’m going to try my hardest not to swear at you, not to put you down, but to be as respectful as I possibly can.”
Offer reparation. This can come in many different forms. In the marital relationship, the classic example was a spouse bringing home a set of flowers, “I’m sorry.” In international relations, it might be a public statement, gesturing true remorse for something that was done at some point in time. But you’re offering some sort of reparation, financial, legal, justice-oriented reparation.
One last thing with an apology, after you say it, shut up. I mean, too many people after they apologize, they say, “I’m so sorry, honey, but… there was traffic and this and that.” Guess what? Your apology now has turned into a defense, not a form of reconciliation.
A true apology is indeed fully and only an apology. So these are some of the elements of a real apology, not just a token apology, but an honest statement of remorse that the other side hopefully will feel and go, “You know what? I forgive you.”