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Three Ways to Prepare for the Conversation
Preparation for difficult conversations is key. Too often we think we can just go in and wing it. I’m just going to tell them what I think. They’ll say what they think, and I’ll react. But if you get thrown off emotionally or even logistically you’re going to be thrown back into that fight or flight reaction and you’re not going to be able to handle the conversation. So you want to be as prepared as possible. And I think of preparation as happening in three different categories. You want to prepare mentally, strategically, and logistically.
So by mentally, I mean you want to be in the right frame of mind. Think of you and your colleague on the same side of the table, solving that problem together. Strategically, I want you to think about what are your messages? What are the key points that you need to make? And also what are the questions you want to ask the other person? Also, think about what could go wrong. Could the fire alarm go off in the building? Could you lose your train of thought? Maybe they start crying, maybe you start yelling. It’s not that all of these things are going to happen, but by thinking through some of the things that could go wrong you’re less likely to be thrown off when things don’t go your way.
And lastly, you want to prepare logistically and that really means choosing the right time and the right place to have the conversation. And that will depend on your unique circumstances. You don’t want to have the conversation first thing on Monday morning when you both have an overfull inbox or last thing on Friday when you’re both trying to get out the door. You also want to prepare to have more time than you think this conversation will take. One of the big mistakes I see people make is think, well this will take 30 minutes. If that’s what you think, plan for an hour. You can always end early. And do you want to have this conversation in a meeting with others there, or one-on-one in a private conversation? It’s really up to you in the unique circumstances that you’re dealing with. But think about how can I set the conversation up for success?
Three Ways to Start the Conversation
One of the hardest things to do is to start the difficult conversation. What do you say first? How do you make sure that you don’t set them off right from the beginning and that you establish a collaborative stance? There are three things that I suggest you do anytime you’re opening a conversation that you think might be difficult.
Number one, establish a shared goal. Think about what you and the other person both care about. Is it getting this project done on time and under budget? Is it looking good to your bosses? Is it just the mission of the organization that you both care about? State that clearly. The second step is to clarify what you believe the disagreement is about. A lot of miscommunication and difficult conversations is that you have a different perspective on what the underlying issue is. So share what you think you’re disagreeing about and what you’re not. So you might say, I think we’re disagreeing about the goal here of this project. What’s not a stake is our working relationship. I know that’s still strong. You can contrast what you think you’re disagreeing about and what you’re not disagreeing about.
And then the third thing is to state your collaborative intent. Make clear that you realize that success here will require that both of you share your ideas, debate them and come up with a solution together. And you might say that explicitly or you might demonstrate that by asking them a question. Even something as simple as what’s your perspective on this? Or what have I been missing all along? That question demonstrates that you are interested in their ideas and that you are not going to bulldoze them during this conversation, but rather you’re going to be open-minded and you’re going to have some nice, healthy back and forth.
Learning from the Experience
Let’s say you had the conversation and it didn’t go the way you expected. Maybe it was tense, maybe things got heated and you’re just not happy with the outcome. First of all, have some self-compassion. You are not the first person to struggle through a difficult conversation and not get what you needed out of it. It happens to us all.
Take a step back. Ask yourself what would I have done differently in that interaction? And then ask for a redo. It’s okay to go back to the person and say I am a little unsettled about how that went. Can we talk through this again? Or to say, I wish I had not lost my temper in that meeting. Or I realized I didn’t make all of the points I wish I had. Could we come back together to have a conversation? The most important thing is not whether you succeed or fail but what you learned in the process. Getting better at difficult conversations is about learning and relearning all of these skills and tips. So ask yourself after each conversation, whether it was a resounding success or a complete failure, What do I wish I had done differently? What could I do differently next time? And what skills did I pick up in that process?