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Reinterpret threats
When you experience a conflict with someone else, even if it’s something minor, like a disagreement over the project plan, we often interpret that as a threat; a threat to our career, our ego, our sense of identity, just the belief that we’re a good colleague. And when our brain interprets a threat, it tends to react very quickly. We have cortisol rushing through our body. We lose access to the prefrontal cortex, which is the rational thinking part of our brain. And the amygdala, which is responsible for that flight or fight reaction, gets over reactive. And so we start to tell ourselves a story about how we need to protect ourselves, about how we’re right, the other person’s wrong.
You want to be able to interrupt the story that you’re telling yourself because it’s probably not entirely true. There may be some elements that that have credence, but you really want to dig into, is this reality? Am I seeing this clearly? And am I overreacting? What’s another way to view this situation? Is it possible that that initial interpretation I’ve made and really stuck to is wrong? So let’s say a colleague sends that snarky email. I might immediately think they’re a jerk. They’re persecuting me, right? They’re being rude, right? And I’ve stuck on that interpretation. Whereas if I had a little bit more space between that email and my reaction, I might think, “Hmm, they’re having a bad day.” Or “of course, they’re frustrated. They’re under a lot of pressure.”
What’s required of us is a good degree of self-awareness so that we know how we appear to others. We know what our natural reactions are in these moments as well as emotional self-control. Because when our brain is telling us to defend ourselves, we tend to react very strongly. So observe your reactions. Are you someone who immediately gets defensive and feels like the other person is all wrong? Or are you someone who takes the blame quite easily and says, “This must be all my fault.” Observe what those reactions might be and then notice those patterns when conflict comes up. All of that reflection will help lay the groundwork so that you can then choose tactics that you want to try to alter the dynamic and ideally improve the relationship.
Avoid reactivity
When you do have a strong reaction, I also use a bunch of different mindfulness techniques. I might take a deep breath, ground myself in the moment so that I don’t get overwhelmed by what’s happening. Or I might picture myself as a fly on the wall and I’m observing the situation neutrally to see what’s going on. That helps me not get revved up and pulled into the emotional aspects.
Another thing that can be helpful is to label the emotions you’re feeling. You might not say to your colleague, “I’m angry and frustrated right now,” but seeing that in your head of, “I’m feeling anger, I’m feeling frustration,” can help sometimes ground you a little bit more in that moment. And rather than react to that emotion, accept that you’re having it and make a choice about what you actually want to say and do in that moment.
Oftentimes, taking a break is the best thing you can do to maintain that composure. You might offer to go get a glass of water for the other person. You might even just say, “Hey, I need a break. Can we return to this conversation tomorrow?” Be sure you don’t accuse the other person of needing a break, even if they really need one, but own that need for a break yourself. Start those sentences with I: Here’s what I need. Here’s what I want in this moment. Not, you need to calm down.