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Moving Relationships Forward: Talk Less and Listen More, with Todd Davis, Chief People Officer, FranklinCovey and Author, Get Better
Reflective Listening
In Practice #10, I’ve titled it Talk Less, Listen More. I think human beings, in general, we’re fixers. We want to help. Our motives, our intentions, are good. And yet, when people have emotions that are high, whether they’re high because they’re frustrated or high because they’re happy, first and foremost they just want to be understood. We listen through what the late Dr. Stephen R. Covey used to call this autobiographical lens, and then we have this autobiographical response. We listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. But the most effective people, and therefore the most successful, influential people, they listen with the intent to understand. So reflective listening is nothing new, but boy, it’s new to practice it. Everybody reads about it, hears about it, and yet I see them not model it. And modeling it is magic.
When someone says to me, “Gosh, I can’t believe they put that policy out. I’m so frustrated with this thing…”, I will listen, listen, listen, and all I will say, and it’s not manipulative, it’s just because I want to understand, I’ll say, “Sounds like you’re pretty frustrated with the policy.” And they’ll say, “Well, yeah, I am…”, and they’ll go on for 5 or 20 minutes, and they’ll finish. And I’ll just comment, “So it sounds like it’s got you really considering maybe a change in your career…”, I’m making this up. But you do reflective listening, take the time to do it, and you will start to get to the heart of the real issue. 90% of the time it’s not, in this case, the policy. It’s something way underneath, and all I had to do was listen and reflect back to the person what I’m hearing them say, and what I’m thinking they’re feeling. It’s like giving someone psychological air, or oxygen, if you will. When we take the time to do that we actually start to resolve things much quicker than if we jump in ahead of time and try to resolve it without knowing what’s at the heart of the issue.
Ask clarifying questions
With reflective listening, you really are just reflecting back what the person is saying and what you believe they’re feeling. So, “You seem frustrated about how long I’m talking in my responses.” Or, “You seem concerned about the fact that Joe is taking too much vacation.“ That’s all you’re doing with reflective listening.
There is a time, then, for clarifying questions. Not probing, not prying, not trying to judge or agree or disagree, but saying, “So, am I clear in understanding that you think the policy is wrong because of such and such?” That’s a clarifying question. Or, “Am I understanding you correctly that Joe has taken more vacation than everybody else in the department?” That’s a clarifying question. You’re not agreeing or disagreeing. You’re not prying into or trying to figure somebody out. You’re just trying to clarify and understand even better what they’re feeling and what they’re frustrated about.
Recognize when to speak up or act
Of course, if I’m in the grocery store and the checker says, “Okay, that’ll be $39.50”, I probably wouldn’t say, “So, you seem anxious to have me pay you money.” It’s not a time needed for reflective listening. That’s an obvious one. When people are asking for help, you know, it would be pretty frustrating for me to say to a colleague, “I can’t believe they did that. I don’t know what we’re going to do now. The deadline is tomorrow.” And for them to say, “You seem frustrated that the deadline is tomorrow.” Yes, clearly I’m frustrated. What are we going to do to meet the deadline? So pick up on signals. When people are asking you for advice they may not say, “I’m asking you for advice.” They will clarify for you or they will give signals that they want action. They don’t want just reflective listening. You have to be sensitive to it, but most people are.
I’ve talked to so many people that will say to me, “Well, you’re just really good at this”, or, “You’re a natural at this.” Maybe I am, but I don’t think I always was. I’ve had 30 years of repetition with this and I’ve seen people who were the least intuitive, pretty low on the EQ scale, and they have become, because they’ve put an energy and focus to it, they’ve become phenomenal listeners and therefore phenomenal helpers, because they take time to understand and can really get to solving an issue.
Let people know you care
People have different levels of privacy, they don’t want to be asked about things. But if I notice someone that I know well is acting off on a certain day, and again, it depends on the relationship you have with that person, but I will say to someone, and I just had this happen last week with a coworker. Her name is Marla. She came into the office always happy and cheerful. She came in happy and cheerful, but I know Marla, I’ve known her for many years, and I know her eyes. And not in front of people, but when we were off to the side I said, “Hey, none of my business, but just want to check if everything’s okay.” And her eyes welled up and she said, “You know me so well.” So I think we sometimes have a tendency to…we don’t know what to say so we don’t say anything. Boy, for me that’s not been a good rule of thumb. When I don’t know what to say, I tell someone, “I don’t know what to say.” Someone’s had a big, or little, tragedy in their life and if I don’t have words for it, what a mistake to not say anything. Especially if it’s somebody I care about, and I care about most people I work with or live with. I’ll say, “I don’t know what to say but I wanted you to know I’m thinking about you, and if there’s anything I can do…” I think that’s really valuable, and I think freeing for people to know, “Oh, it’s okay to say that? It won’t offend somebody?” No. Let them know you care about them. They don’t know what they want you to say either, but it’s nice to know that you care.