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So a lot of times we think about questions as allowing us to collect information — and they do that — but they also do a lot more work. Not only do they allow us to collect information, but they shape how other people perceive us. They act as spotlights, putting attention on certain things rather than others. And they direct conversations to go particular ways. So they really do a lot of work and, and the question we need to understand is: how can we use questions more effectively?
Encourage buy-in
When we tell people something, they often push back, right? They say, “Oh, I don’t know if that’s right.” Or they counter-argue in their heads. Because we all have basically an anti-persuasion radar. When someone tells us what to do, we sort of push back and we think about whether we agree with it or not, or something along those lines. But asking questions rather than statements is often a much more effective way of getting people to go along.
A couple years ago, I was talking to someone who was having trouble motivating their team. She needed them to stay late after work and put in extra hours, and they didn’t want to do it. So finally she calls a meeting and she starts by asking rhetorical questions. She says, “Hey, what kind of company do you want to be, a good company or a great company?” Obviously everybody says “a great company.” Then she asks a real question though. She says, “How do we get there?” And she starts having a conversation, right, because great questions do a few things.
First, they deactivate that anti-persuasion radar. Rather than sitting there and going, “no, I don’t want to work late,” people are thinking about, “oh, well how can we become this great company?” Secondly, though, they allow us as leaders, as bosses, as colleagues, to collect information. Because sometimes we don’t know the way to the best solution, and asking questions allows us to learn more about the barriers to the outcome we want to achieve and often get to better solutions.
But third, questions encourage commitment to the conclusion. Because if someone says, “Hey, I think we should do X, Y, Z” and now you say, “Fantastic, we’re going to do X, Y, Z,” it’s a lot harder for them not to go along because it was their idea in the first place. Too often, if we have ownership of something, if it’s ours, and no one else’s, people are going to go, “okay, well this thing isn’t mine. I’m not going to go along.” But if they feel like it’s theirs, they’ve participated in the process or the outcome, they’re much more bought in, right? Now it’s theirs, not just ours. And they want to see it succeed.
Signal that you care
Questions are great. They’re really powerful. But one question you might have is, well what questions should I ask? And some researchers looked at exactly this type of question. They analyzed a variety of different situations, everything from getting to know you conversations to workplace conversations, to even dating conversations. And they found a particular type of question was very impactful. It made other people like us more and in a dating context more likely to be interested in going on a second date. And those type of questions are called follow-up questions. They’re certainly get to know you questions. If someone says, “How are you?” You say, “How are you?” back. Those questions don’t say a lot about us except that we’re moderately polite.
What follow-up questions do is they show that we’re responsive. If someone says, “Hey, I really liked that meeting,” not just saying, “Oh great, I liked it, too” but something like, “Oh, interesting. I liked it, too. What did you like about it?” Or if someone says, “I had a tough day,” “I’m sorry to hear that. What made it so difficult?” These questions don’t just say our opinion and don’t just ask any question back. They show that we listen to what someone said, we heard what they said, and we’re interested enough to ask for more.
And so one way to signal interest, to signal responsiveness, to signal we care, and lead other people to like us a bit more is to ask these follow-up questions. Not just end the conversation there but build on it with a question that allows them to continue talking about what they were talking about before.