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The number one predictor of happiness, the number one predictor of health is the quality time we spend with people we care about and who care about us. The number one condition that we can put in place to increase the likelihood of anti-fragility, of growing through hardship is the quality of our relationships.
Now, interestingly, what kind of relationships we have or with whom matters less. For some people, the important relationship in their life is a romantic relationship. For others, it’s their family or extended family. For others, it’s friends. It can also be colleagues. But having supportive relationships in our lives matters a great deal. Probably the most powerful intervention that we can introduce in our personal lives, in our organizations, is the power of giving.
The Power of Giving
There’s research showing that when we give, when we contribute, whether it’s charity or kindness, something material or spiritual, we significantly increase levels of well-being. Not to mention the fact that we create the conditions for healthy relationships. The essence of the science of happiness is that other people matter. If you want to significantly increase your happiness levels, if you want to trigger the antifragile system, if you want to improve your health, if you want to be more successful, create kind, giving, generous, benevolent relationships.
Servant Leadership
This turns out to matter a great deal for leadership. So back in the 1970s, Robert Greenleaf, an organizational behaviorist, was looking for the characteristic of extraordinary leaders. The trait that he identified in them, whether they were religious leaders or political leaders or business leaders, was that they were servant leaders, saw themselves as serving. Serving, serving, and more serving, whether it’s serving employees, whether it’s serving customers, whether it’s serving the environment, the community.
Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison on Robins Island. He had some time to think about what he would say when — if — he ever came out. All the cameras are on him. He’s addressing the people of South Africa. What is he saying? 27 years in the making. “I am your servant.”
What servant leaders do is they take the organizational chart and flip it upside down so that they’re at the bottom supporting.
Now, what is the number one characteristic of servant leaders? Listening. In other words, lending their ear, giving their time. It’s not how eloquent they are, how charismatic they are, how brilliant they are. It’s their ability to listen.
And when I talk about leaders, I don’t just mean those people at the top of the hierarchy or the bottom of the hierarchy, serving others. I mean, everyone within the organization. Why? Because listening or giving in general is contagious.
So we have mirror neurons in our brain. And when we encounter an act of generosity, that has an impact on us and we’re more likely to then act generously and benevolent. The ability to listen brings us closer together.
It contributes to the well-being of the listener, of the person being listened to. It triggers the anti-fragile system by providing the conditions for the other person to open up, to relate what he or she is going through. When we openly share what it is that we’re going through, we’re more likely to overcome any and all difficulties.
Self-fullness
When we think about giving, it is important to also think about giving ourselves. Givers who are only concerned about giving others and neglect themselves, well, their giving is not sustainable. When I give myself, contribute to myself, I’m in a much better place to also help others.
So is it selfish or selfless? Well, it’s neither and both, it’s self-full. Self-fullness synthesizes the best of both worlds, giving oneself and giving others. And they work together, reinforcing one another in an upward spiral of generosity and benevolence.
So what can you do to cultivate relational well-being? Well, the first thing is wherever possible, meet people face to face, in person. Spend time, focused time. Not when your phone is on, not while doing work. Single task rather than multitask. And then give, give your time, lend your ears, be generous and be kind. That will contribute to yourself, to the other, to the relationship. And then finally, ask yourself where can I be open to receive? Because the other needs you to receive so that he or she can give.