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One of the concepts that I talk about in my book is this concept of always having a wingman. And so that’s a very specific term within the US military. It’s that man or woman in the cockpit next to you, right? When you go into combat or you go into any kind of dangerous situation, if you go alone, the chance of success is very low. But if you go in with those wingmen, you know, with you now, your chance of success goes immeasurably through the roof. It’s because you can check each other’s six o’clock as we call it — that’s the position directly behind you. Right? But I think that I’ve seen this play out even better in just kind of everyday life. That person that you can bounce ideas off of, the person who can kind of serve as a quality control check on what you’re playing to do next. And so it’s not just one individual or two, it’s having that wide diverse group of individuals that you can kind of tap on as a very deep well, as a resource during challenging times.
Build friendships early
One of the things I learned from my time at the US Naval War College, we had diplomats, we had admirals and generals — not only from the United States military, but from nations around the world — who would share their perspectives and every single one of them would say one thing. And that is it’s incredibly important to build friendships early, to build a diverse network. And so I found that very early in my career, whether it was as a fighter pilot, the fact that when you face challenges, the first thing you want to do is you almost look through a soda straw, like everything kind of draws very inward. And you start thinking about yourself, the situation, and what do I particularly have to do to overcome it. And a lot of times you start realizing with experience that that’s almost counterproductive.
You need to open your aperture as wide as possible. You want to bring in those new viewpoints or those mentors — the people who have more experience than you do, or maybe have insights that you don’t have access to — to help you along with that challenge. And so as a new fighter pilot, it would be simply picking up the phone, speaking to someone who maybe was two or three years further in their career path, who could say, “Yes, I faced that same exact challenge. Here’s how I overcame it, but better yet. Here’s another person you could call to ask them what they saw. Cause I know they faced a similar challenge, but it was a little bit different.” So now you’re expanding your experience base.
When I was a junior fighter pilot, well, I was just a fighter pilot. And my friend in the Japanese Air Maritime Self-defense Force, he was my counterpart and he was very junior as well. But then suddenly you fast forward 20 years. And now I’m a senior leader in the Pentagon and he is with his Ministry of Defense in a much more senior leadership position. But you’ve already established that lifeline. You’ve established that friendship where you can pick up the phone and say, “I need to have a conversation with you. Not necessarily as a fellow diplomat, but as a friend, as someone who I can use as a sounding board.” And so that’s why, when you start at a young age, when you start early in your career and you cultivate those friendships, that it can really pay dividends down the road. Where you are today is not where you’re going to be 20, 30 years down the road. And sometimes it’s hard to think that far into the future, but you kind of need to, right? You’re preparing today to be that future leader that you strive to be, that you desire to be, to make a positive impact. And so the friendships you’re building now are only going to multiply over time.
Be genuine and generous
I’ve always thought throughout my career, that a lot of times when I’ve witnessed others doing so-called networking, that, you know, it felt a little negative to me. It always felt very transactional in nature. And that a lot of times, the first time I would have an interaction with someone or they would call or they would email or I’d meet them in person and they, you could tell that there was an agenda. They had something they wanted in the moment. And they were hoping to gain that from me. And then once they got it, they were off and running onto their next thing. And you really would never hear from them again. And so I’d say, you know, throughout your own journey — as a leader, as someone who’s rising to positions of greater influence — fight that urge you want to foster genuine friendships and not just that transactional type of relationship.
And so one of the things I always focused on was making it an effort to reach out to people who, frankly, I needed nothing from, but I had a genuine interest in what they were doing. So I would place a call or I’d stop by their office and introduce myself, say that I was new to the building that I just simply wanted to stop by say hello and learn a little more about what they did. And it was funny because a lot of times people would be a little shocked. You know, it’s like, hang on a second. “You don’t want anything for me?” “No, not at all. I just wanted to say hi, introduce myself and say thanks for what you’re doing.” And through that, you know, almost like that shock effect of you don’t want anything at all.
You’d start off on this great pathway of being a friend, rather than just someone who needed something. And then suddenly you’d find maybe a week, a month, a year down the road, you would have a need for gaining access to the knowledge that they held. And so it was very easy at that stage to call them up and say, “Hey, Alice, you know, great to talk to you again. I did have something come up and I wanted to run this by you. How does this sound? Or could you help me?”
And you’d find that nine times out of 10, they’d be absolutely happy to help you because it wasn’t that standard type of transactional relationship. You’d already built a relationship of trust. You’d built a relationship of confidence and they knew you. They respected you. The network — when you build it successfully — is about offering yourself as an influencer or as a positive resource for them first. And I think the best way I heard that put was from a friend who said, really, he kind of followed the 51-49% principle. Well, that was in any given relationship, he strived to give 51% into the relationship and only expected 49% back. And I love that because yes, they’re all collaborative relationships. But if you always think about, “Hey, I want to give a little bit more than I’m receiving.” Then, generally speaking, you find that the person on the other end of that relationship is trying to do the same thing with you. And so, as the saying goes, a rising tide will lift all boats. You’ll find that both of you or your entire group will become even more successful.