Why your smartest colleagues are virtuoso manipulators

Manipulative is the most counterintuitive trait because nearly everyone trusts relationships, even their most important ones — spouse, kids, parents, business partner — to sort themselves out without conscious effort. Over and over, we take our relationships for granted. Then we wonder why we have only two close friends in middle age, both from way back in college. Or why our trusted cofounder wants to be bought out of the business. Or why our spouse picked up and left us “all of a sudden.” “But I thought we were doing fine,” the surprised divorcée tells everyone.

If you’ve ever had a close relationship fail for reasons you didn’t understand, ask yourself whether you invested regular effort in maintaining that relationship. Relationships are living, breathing things. Invest time, effort, and thought in them, or they will crumble.

A new relationship is where you need to invest the most care and attention. Recent connections are very delicate. When you first meet someone, their immediate reaction is positive or negative based on superficial details like what you’re wearing or how you carry yourself. If you want to be judged on what matters — integrity, intelligence, talent, experience, humor, whatever — it’s your job to prove those attributes using strategies like the ones in this chapter. Never expect the other person to put the work in to figure out whether you’re worth knowing. They won’t.

Why are some people so utterly convincing and credible? So effective at motivating and leading others? Charisma appears in community organizers and cult leaders; it isn’t tied to the message but to the messenger. Some make friends wherever they go. Some people persuade others so easily they should require a license. Why? And why do others have the opposite effect, lowering the energy in every room and sending minglers fleeing for the drinks table?

Equally is another question: Why does skill with people inspire negative emotions? “She’s so manipulative.” You’re saying it’s bad that she gets others to do what she wants? I’m curious: What are you trying to accomplish when you talk—massage eardrums?

What is intrinsically bad about getting people to do what you want? Call it leadership if you want, but that word is so overused it lacks any potency. Whatever the label, people in any walk of life succeed by befriending, convincing, motivating, empathizing with, and rallying others. Why did you open your mouth if you weren’t trying to get someone to do or think something? We manipulate constantly. Then, we call it “catching up,” “shooting the breeze,” or even “parenting.”

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With nine minutes left to get the kids to school, you can bet I will employ manipulation tricks to bend my kids to my will. For example, I give Ari his choice of two shirts. This gives him enough agency to feel independent . . . without derailing my agenda. Pretty devious, right?

Real, sustainable influence is built on mutual benefit. People who create mutual benefit influence others by communicating the upside of being influenced. For example, an accountant convinces you of her reliability and expertise through advertising, marketing, and word of mouth. Watch out: she is manipulating you into hiring her. Next, she manipulates you into trimming your tax bill by 15 percent by changing how you file. Brainwashed, you work with her year after year and recommend her to your friends. Don’t you have any self-respect, letting yourself be manipulated like that?

You can create mutually beneficial relationships that elevate your work and life goals instead of putting your energy into the draining, dead-end, default relationships that hold you back.

 Being liked matters. You will never change the world for the better if you can’t warm another person’s heart or change their mind. It doesn’t matter how good you are at your job if people dislike you. Ultimately, every company is a social group that also needs customers. Business is social, period. Your boss and your boss’s boss, among many others, play huge roles in whether you succeed. Likewise, you must find mentors to teach you and sponsors to advocate for you. To achieve your ambitions, these people and many more must like you and want you to succeed. Can you get ahead if a couple don’t? Sure, but few factors limit your reach more than the ambivalence, let alone dislike, felt by others around you.

The most effective tools of manipulation are honesty, generosity (of time, effort, and praise), and thoughtfulness. Thank project contributors by name. Send follow-up emails summarizing key points within twenty-four hours of an important meeting. Give people the opportunity to offer feedback on your projects. Then show them that you acted on that feedback. Know your audience and speak to them with their values, preferences, and goals in mind. Adapt to your colleagues’ working styles. Offer help proactively instead of waiting to be asked.

Shifting focus from your problems to those of others will quickly change how your ideas and suggestions are received. Call this outward focus “empathy” if you want, but remember that empathy isn’t about being a doormat. It’s about paying attention to others. Trying to understand them and caring about what you learn. What do they like? What do they want? What do they want to avoid? In other words, it’s about being NOSY. From there, it takes minimal effort to balance their needs and preferences against your own. Often, it means so much to see someone make the slightest effort: cheer a recent win, ask after a sick spouse, or order a vegan option for the brainstorming session.

Revved up to give manipulation a try? Take a moment and jot down your Dynamic Dozen: twelve people you’d like to meet over the next twelve months. These might be key figures in your organization, influential voices in your industry, or impressive role models. Get NOSY. It’s enough for now to set an intention and start thinking about how you might “manipulate” these people into lending their aid. For example, if you haven’t yet connected directly with your boss’s boss, get MANIPULATIVE and include them. It may feel odd to reach out to someone two levels up, but speaking as someone who spent years as a senior leader, I can confirm that the benefit goes both ways. You’re closer to the action. That’s a valuable perspective.