Take Stock of Your Emotional Bank Accounts

Moving Relationships Forward: Take Stock of Your Emotional Bank Accounts, with Todd Davis, Chief People Officer, FranklinCovey and Author, Get Better

Emotional Bank Account

Practice #8 is titled Take Stock of Your Emotional Bank Accounts, and I’ve borrowed this from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, because the late Dr. Stephen R. Covey talked about the emotional bank account. We liken it to a financial bank account in that we make deposits and take withdrawals. It’s not like a financial bank account in that in an emotional bank account we never make deposits with the intention of taking a withdrawal. I used to work with a gentleman who actually bought a box of apology notes because he said he knew himself well enough that his style was just to offend people all the time and walk on people, so he thought he’d just be ready to write an apology note and get it over with. And while I appreciated him knowing himself so well, I thought, boy, wouldn’t your time and money be better invested in saying, “What if I didn’t have to have this philosophy of I’m just going to walk all over people? That I’m going to step back and bring people along, and make ongoing, small, but meaningful deposits in their emotional bank accounts.”

Now, because we’re human, we do take withdrawals. But if we’ve made small, consistent deposits–and I say small because I’ve seen people who will make an unintentional withdrawal, and it’s a whopper, and they’ll do some big, extravagant gift, literally or figuratively, and think that the emotional bank account is fine. EBA as we call it, emotional bank account. And it sometimes isn’t repaired overnight with some big deposit. When we make small, consistent deposits over time it becomes a way of being–it becomes who we are. I talk to the receptionist at the front desk with the same level of respect that I talk to my boss, the CEO. That’s an example of a deposit in an emotional bank account.

Understand different currencies

We need to understand the other person’s currency. That’s another aspect of the emotional bank account. One person I’m thinking of happens to love recognition and hoopla and a lot of attention drawn to them when they’ve accomplished something, and that’s great, nothing to apologize for. But they assumed that’s what everybody likes, that that’s a deposit for everybody. And they have a member of their team who hates that, who shys away from it. And it took them awhile to figure it out–this leader kept recognizing this team member. She finally had to go to him and say, “Hey, that’s really embarrassing for me, I don’t want you to do it.” The leader said, “Why are you embarrassed? You did such a great job.” She said, “That’s fine, I don’t like that. Please stop doing that.” So we have to step back and say, wait a minute, just because this is my currency doesn’t mean it’s true for everyone.

My wife, for 17 years, made me this pineapple cake for my birthday. And on my 17th birthday I finally said, “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something. This is not my favorite cake.” She said, “Yes it is. I remember when we were first married and Aunt Gladys made that cake, and you said, ‘Aunt Gladys, thank you. This is so good. Thank you for making this, it’s my favorite’.” And I had to confess to her, “That was that time when everyone brought dessert and nobody was eating Aunt Gladys’ and I felt bad, so I took a piece and told her it was my favorite.” And she asked, “Well, why did you wait all these year?” So, sometimes it’s upon us to let the other person know what our currency is. That’s a silly but true example. It was 17 years before I let her know that I didn’t like her pineapple cake.

Make sincere deposits

Sincere, genuine, meaningful deposits versus counterfeit deposits. Just like counterfeit money–we don’t want that in our wallets–we don’t want or appreciate counterfeit deposits. Counterfeit deposits are the person who goes around, probably with good intentions, but wants to be known as the cheerleader. They go around the office and say, “You’re so awesome, Joe’s so great, Cindy’s so wonderful. You just do awesome work.” That’s not a bad thing, but it’s not a very meaningful thing. The real sincere deposit would be to say, “Cindy’s so awesome. Let me tell you what I saw her doing yesterday. She took the time–I knew she was late for this appointment, but she saw her coworker working…”. Or, “Joe is so talented. Let me tell you why I’m so glad we have him on our team. Joe does such and such…”.

I had a great leader many years ago coach me on the importance of complimenting someone. Tie it to a specific behavior, something you’ve observed. It’s fine to be the cheerleader and to have this positive, happy attitude. But if you want to make meaningful, sincere deposits, then tie them to specific, observable behaviors. Those that have been made for me, I remember those things like it was yesterday. In fact, I will never forget my 35th day of employment at what was then called The Covey Leadership Center. This was over 21 years ago. I don’t remember Day 34, I don’t remember Day 36, but on Day 35, a woman by the name of Pam, who had hired me, walked me up to one of the senior leaders. I had not met him before, and I’m shaking his hand after a meeting, and she said, “Bob, let me introduce you to Todd Davis. Let me tell you what Todd has done in his first 35 days here.” I was sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn’t think of one thing I had done in my first 35 days. What is she going to say? She went on to say, “He’s filled this position in Chicago that’s been vacant for 5 months, he’s put together this recruitment strategy, he’s got a relocation policy in place…”, and this list went on and on. I don’t tell you that to say, “Wasn’t I wonderful?” I tell you that to say I remember that moment like it was yesterday. This woman thought I could do anything. So what did I spend the next several years doing? Making sure I didn’t disappoint her. She believed in me more than I believed in myself. Those were meaningful deposits and I remember them to this day.

A counterfeit deposit–a true counterfeit deposit–would go right back to what are your intentions, what are your motives. I got a phone call from a former friend several months ago. He called and we reconnected, and we used to work together, and I thought, “How great for him to reach out.” We talked for 20 minutes, and then toward the end of the conversation he said, “Oh, hey, by the way, does your uncle still get the discount tickets for sports?”, this place where I used to have a connection. It took the whole wind out of my sails, and I thought, “Wow.” I said, “I’m not sure, I’ll have to check.” I’m not assuming bad intent, but I’m pretty sure that was the whole point of the call and it just took a little while to get there. That’s a counterfeit deposit, this example of a reconnection because I’ve missed you, and then, nope, I really have an ulterior motive.

Get out of bankruptcy

When we have gone bankrupt in our emotional bank account, when we’ve overdrawn, state the obvious. Say, “You know what, I made a big mistake.” Right the wrong. Start out with words. Words don’t fix it all, but it’s a great starting point. When you apologize, don’t make excuses. If you’re going to apologize, it’s tempting to make an excuse. It’s tempting to help a person understand why you did what you did. Don’t do it. Just say, “You know what, I was wrong.” And these are words that I use often: “I don’t know how long it will take to rebuild trust with you and rebuild our relationship, but I want you to know I’m going to work at it until that trust is rebuilt. And if it’s three days or three years, that’s what I’m going to do.” Those are words that I use and that I coach others to use because that’s my intent, to rebuild the relationship.

So when trust is broken, when you’ve overdrawn or diminished the balance in the emotional bank account, state it right up front. Take ownership of it. Say, “I know I’ve done this thing. I could make up a million excuses, but my intent is to rebuild trust and as long as it takes that’s what I’m going to do.”