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I created this four-tendencies framework to describe how people respond to an expectation, which turns out to be very important in habit formation because, of course, imposing a habit on yourself is a kind of expectation for yourself. And so I divide the world into four groups. And it relates to how a person responds to an outer expectation and an inner expectation. An outer expectation is something like a work deadline or a request from a spouse. And an inner expectation is something like a New Year’s resolution or your own desire to write a novel in your free time. And the four tendencies are these: upholder, questioner, obliged, and rebel.
1. Upholders
The first category is the upholders. Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations alike. So at work, they meet a deadline without a lot of supervision, and they keep a New Year’s resolution without much trouble. They tend to be very interested in understanding what expectations are placed on them, and they really want to fulfill those expectations. They don’t like making mistakes. They don’t like letting people down, but they also don’t like to let themselves down. So they’re very good at sticking to their expectations for themselves.
Sometimes to a fault. The dark side of being an upholder is that upholders can become too focused on meeting expectations, and they can become almost rigid or very anxious about meeting expectations even if they realize that those expectations are maybe not so important. It can be very hard to let go of an expectation.
And I can speak to this with great familiarity because I’m an upholder. That’s my category. And one of the things that surprised me when I figured out this four-tendencies framework is that an upholder is a very, very small category. Very few people are upholders, and many things in the world became clearer to me when I realized just how small the upholder category is.
2. Questioners
Next, questioners. Questioners question all expectations, outer and inner alike. They’ll do something if they are convinced that it makes sense, if it’s justified, if it’s rationale. In that way, they make everything into an inner expectation because they won’t accept something just because it’s given to them from the outside. They have to endorse it from the inside. It’s very important to them that they have respect or faith in the person who’s telling them what to do. If they’re supposed to do what somebody’s telling them, they want to know that this person knows what they’re talking about. They hate anything arbitrary or irrational. They tend to be very interested in improving systems. They want to know, “Why are we doing the report this way? Why are we doing the report at all?”
And, in fact, the downside of a questioner is related to the upside. They sometimes experience analysis paralysis. They want perfect information before they decide, but in life, a lot of times we don’t really get perfect information. But it can be hard for them to move forward if they don’t have all the information that they want. Or sometimes, they drain other people with their questioning because they’re like, “Well why are we doing this? Why, why, why, why, why?” And at a certain point, a team just says like look, this is the way we’re doing it. We don’t want to talk about it anymore. But questioners are very positive for teams because they keep people from wasting their time. On the other hand, questioners need to make sure that they themselves don’t become obstructionist or seem like they’re a drag on everything because their questioning can be difficult for others to meet.
Of the four tendencies, questioners is definitely one of the largest categories. Questioner and obliger are very large categories. Upholder and rebel are small categories.
3. Obligers
Next, obliger. Obligers readily meet outer expectations, but they really struggle to meet their inner expectations. So if they’re at work, if somebody’s counting on them, they will really follow through. But they have a lot of trouble following through on their expectations for themselves, which can make them feel very frustrated. Now in a way, it’s good that their name is obliger because they are like the type O of the tendencies. Everybody gets along with obligers. Obligers are really like the rock because they really are so good at meeting expectations that other people are asking of them.
But obligers feel a lot of frustration with themselves, and they don’t understand why they’re not as good at meeting expectations for themselves. And sometimes they call themselves people pleasers. Or sometimes they say, you know, “Why is it that I can’t put myself first?” They can meet their expectations for themselves. But they can’t just rely on their inner expectations.
And this is important to understand both in managing yourself and in managing other people because like questioners, obligers is a very, very large group of people. Most people are either obligers or questioners. Very few people are upholders or rebels. So understanding how obligers need work situations or circumstances to be organized so they can follow through is a very helpful thing to understand.
4. Rebels
Finally, the tendency of the rebel. Rebels resist all expectations — outer expectations and inner expectations alike. They want to do what they want to do in the way they want to do it. They want to act from choice, from freedom. Authenticity is a very important value for them. In fact, if you ask or tell them to do something, they will very likely resist. They may well do the opposite because they want to be choosing in every moment what they do.
Now in some circumstances, the rebel tendency is terrific. They’re great at thinking outside the box. They love to blow up the box. They’re very connected to what they want. They have this authentic spirit that is very exciting to be around.
On the other hand, it can be tough to be working with or living in a household with somebody who if you ask or tell them to do something, is very likely to do the opposite. So it can be a challenge to manage this tendency.
Interesting, this is by far the smallest tendency. Very few people are rebels. One thing that people often note is that their spirit of opposition can sometimes almost lead to manipulation because they’re very fired up by ideas like, “You can’t tell me what to do.” Or, “I’ll show you.” The rebel I knew who went to Harvard — and when I thought like, how did she do all the stuff that she needed to apply, to get into Harvard? — it turned out that in ninth grade, a college guidance counselor had told her, “A girl like you could never go to an Ivy League school”. Well, that’s all she had to hear. For the next four years, she was going to prove that person wrong. They are so committed to doing things their own way, having their own vision. But sometimes that can also — like everything — the upside is also the downside.