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The Paradox of Men’s Power
We live in a male dominated society. Men have more power. Men have forms of privilege. Men get paid more. It goes on and on. And yet, if you were to walk out onto any street and ask men to tell us about all of their power, most men would look at you like you’re crazy and say, “Power? Me? Are you kidding?” So why is there this disconnect between the real world of men’s power that still exists in spite of some real progress and the experience of individual men?
Well, I think it’s a few things. One is that when we have forms of privilege or power, it tends to be invisible to us. As a man, I don’t have to think about certain things. I don’t have to think about if I’m 30-years-old going in for a job interview and someone thinking, “30-years-old, he’s probably going to become pregnant.”
It’s a strange paradox. We’ve had this 8,000- or 10,000-year-long affirmative action program for men. And that’s the way it’s been. Men haven’t had to compete with half of the species for jobs, for positions of power, or influence. The ways that we have defined men’s power, the ways we raise boys to be men come with a set of expectations that none of us can live up to. We’re supposed to be strong and powerful, in control, make money, be the bread earner, not show feelings, [and] not have feelings. And we punish boys. We punish boys for showing those feelings, for showing emotions. Boy falls down and cries, and we drag him back up, “Big boys don’t cry. Don’t be a baby.” So we just pummel boys and men for not living up to these impossible expectations and stereotypes of manhood.
And yet, as individual men, we just assume, well, that’s what a man is. So there’s this internal dialogue of self-doubt about making the masculine grade. And what that ends up being is that men end up being a bit torn apart. And I don’t just mean metaphorically. Men die younger than women because we don’t go for help. We don’t go to doctors. We don’t get emotional support. Men are more likely to be addicted to alcohol and other drugs or more likely to be in prison. We’re more likely to commit suicide. So all these different things are the result of a male-dominated society. There are some men these days who blame women on the plight that men are facing. There’s some men who say, “The pendulum has shifted too far. Men are the real victims.”
There is incredible pain in men’s lives. It’s not because of women though. It’s not because of feminism. It’s because of the ways that we have built this male-dominated society, which not only has brought privilege and power to men but also brings enormous pain. And that’s why we need to reach out to women as partners for change, as allies for change.
Understanding the Goals of Feminism
There are men who hear me speak, maybe at a corporate conference or a community, event and they come in assuming they’re going to be put down. They ask me, “Is this male bashing?” I say, “Nope, not in your life. This is not about collective blame. This is not about collective guilt.” Is this saying that men should lose so women could win? And I think those things aren’t true. We’re not talking about a zero-sum game. It’s not about collective guilt. It’s not about collective blame or pointing a finger at men.
You could say it’s about collective love. Collective love for the women in our lives, but also love and caring for the men in our lives as well. Because what feminists are holding out to men is a sense of men capable of loving and connecting and caring. We’re really talking about women benefiting from change — but not about men losing but about the ways that rethinking, reconstructing, rebuilding men’s lives is going to bring enormous benefit to men as well.
And I think men really have waited their whole lives to hear a message that they don’t have to just put on the suit of armor every morning, that they don’t have to fit into this box of, “You will be a man and you will do this and this and not do those following things.”