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Building Relationships Through Likability: Be Authentic in Your Interactions, with Michelle Lederman, Connection Instigator and Author, The 11 Laws of Likability
The Law of Authenticity is defined as, “The real you is the best you”. But authenticity has become this catchphrase in organizations. “Authentic leadership” and “bring your whole self to work” and what does it really mean? And I would ask you, as the listener, to think about what is your definition of authenticity.
Start with self-acceptance
The definition that I’ve come up with is that authenticity is showing up open and infusing into your interactions the attributes of yourself that you value the most. And accepting your unique charms. So what’s a unique charm? Those are those attributes about yourself that you don’t always love, but that you don’t necessarily want to change. So, for example, I can talk a lot – a lot. And I can be a little much for people. And I’m never going to change. That is part of my DNA; that’s part of my energy. But I know when I need to rein it in. So we want to flex but accept that that’s who we are.
Bring your full self
Most of the things that we do in life in work can fall into four buckets: Get To, Want To, Should Do and Have To. And if we want to think about how we show up authentically, we need to think about the things that we’re doing, and which bucket they naturally fall into for us. So let’s define each one. Get To are the things that you are so excited for, you’re jumping up and down: “I get to go on vacation”. Want To are the things that you’ve chosen to do, but they might not be as easy: “I want to run that marathon, I want to go back to school”. The Should Do’s are things that either an outside force, the organization, or maybe some voice inside of you says, “Oh, I should do that”. I know my Should is that I should eat dinner with my kids every night. And the last one is the Have To’s. These are the things that you don’t have a choice about and, you know that old saying, “Taxes and death are the only Have To’s in life”.
I know that that’s not really how we feel, but I want to challenge you with each one of these categories. To do it, reframe it or delete it. So it’s very easy for the Get To’s and the Want To’s to just show up and do it and bring your authentic self and show up with “all of you”, as they say. When it’s a Should Do, you can either think about, “Can I reframe it into a Get To or a Want To?” So, “I should go to that networking event”. Well, can you find the good? Can you find that piece that you’re excited about? “Oh, I’m going to run into so-and-so and can’t wait to see them. Oh, there’s going to be free wine – yay!” And then you can embrace and hold on to that piece that feels good, and show up in an energy that is productive for the situation. If it’s a true Should and you can’t find the good, delete it. Now with your Have To’s, the answer has to be, “I do it”. But here’s the challenge: is it really a Have To? Is it a Have To or a Should Do that you can reframe? So question whether or not those Have To’s are true Have To’s. And then you have to find the way to reframe it to bring your whole self.
At the end of the day, if you want to be authentic in your interactions, we need to stop premeditating and monitoring everything that we do and judging ourselves and overthinking. Don’t think, just be.